kelly, you’re in my blood again. under my skin where the thoughts run, where the love pulses, where my heart goes open close close open close open open open close, where the dreams whirr and whistle.

i hum to myself sometimes to keep from moaning. moaning the subconscious precursor to tears that don’t know how to stop. the liquid seventy percent of myself ready to run out my eyes, sometimes. i hum afraid that i’ll dissolve. water, salt, bone. the memory of ariana evaporating and cracking in the sun.

i can smell you, feel your soft belly skin against my cheek, our foreheads kissing, our hair dancing together. you are in the room with me. your smile, your laughter, the love that doesn’t stop no matter what we do. we learn. we let go. we grow. we come together again and again. love is the only truth we know.

i want to fly to you, cast my body through all the air between us, curl swift and soft in a ball, your arms around me. i think we understand solace. and hunger. and need. and peace. i think we understand lift me up and take me in and stretch and struggle and pull and yes and i can’t and please and you can do anything and no and i’m sorry and be yourself and be wild and be domestic and be in a hole and be on fire and be dancing and be confused and be less than you know you can be and be more than you ever imagined you could be and be joy and be sorrow and be free. always be free.

you’re here. you’re in the next room. you’re on the other side of my closed eyes. my thoughts wander go find you. easy. easy. like there’s no distance between us but the space laughter fills. my body nestles into you. i miss you. you’re not here. you’re nowhere to be found. you’re everywhere. oh, kel. i love you so much . . .