Furthermore, the notes are not automated - they are all written personally by me. So, you get an extra note/memo/letter (depending on my mood), in which I might just wax philosophic on any number of topics that seem relevant, preferably in a few sentences or less. Or I might talk about how it feels that you all are in this journey with me or I might talk about updates to the site. But whether I say very much or very little on any given day, it feels more personal. Like I'm talking directly to you. I feel more connected to the folks on the notifylist. There, I've said it.
12.23.02 - 12:47 p.m. to love without grasping, to hold without keeping
we still search for clues in the music. interpret songs as signs. read our absence (from public record) as proof of our significance. (how very singular must be the ones no one dares to speak of.) we keep peace when peace is required. our sisterly whisperings
used to seem excessive, over-emotional, given the absence of promise, the ridiculousness of hope. they were precursors to this unthought possibility. that we might actually matter. that we might stick. that he might remember us in the end. that he might stay for the love, having come for the sex.
that he might offer love of his own.
we asked nothing, you know. made no demands, put forth no questions which might require deliberation. offered our bodies for comfort, our good cheer, our easy love, liquor, beer, freedom, and relative constancy, given the infrequency of contact. given distance and the perpetual chaos of all of our lives. we expected to fade like sidewalk chalk which, having made its impression, proceeds to smear and dissolve in the rain. that his brain held us for more than a week was substantial enough, that years have passed and he still reaches through the bullet- proof glass encasement around his soul to hold our eyes, to grasp our hearts—miraculous. and now we’ve evolved into something nameless and sacred. i trust in a promise that no one has made. we’ve just kept it, and blessed ourselves and each other with a love that increases and deepens
even in absence and in secret. a pact and a covenant to love without grasping, to hold without keeping to maintain a sacred space for each other that no person or distance can diminish as we come together in some form or fashion for all of the rest of his days.
