i realize that at this point in my life i don’t have any idea of how to be a good friend to somebody, how to be there, how to be open, how to be interesting and interested, how to communicate casually, how to show a gregarious face to the universe or to those i’m close to or those i would be close to. i feel completely at a loss when it comes to friendship dynamics. i don’t know what people talk about on the phone during all those conversations they seem to have.

i keep neglecting people close to me. once upon a time, this was a new problem. i’d never been so neglectful before. i thought that once i gave it a little attention, once i named it, i’d be able to fix the situation. but it’s like i don’t know how to not neglect people. isn’t that horrible?

i think i have lost my best friend. i think she’s finally given up on me, maybe for good this time. i’m sure i deserve it. i do not call often enough, you know? do not respond properly, within proper time limits, don’t come through on plans sometimes. i’m just not there for people anymore in fully-embodied ways. you really shouldn’t be my friend, any of you, out there in the world, reading yourselves into my life. i wouldn’t recommend it. i’m not a very good candidate for friendship.

the people who i interact with in friendly ways tend to be andre’s friends who have adopted me to some degree or another. and i think about the way that i relinquish responsibility to andre. i let her do the work of making friends, of speaking, of making decisions, of driving us to the left or to the right. and then i don’t have to—don’t have to drum up the energy, don’t have to put myself out there. i think i’ve become more shy because of it, more anti-social. i think my social skills have truly deteriorated. isn’t it funny? as a performer, i still have no problem. put me up in front of a large group of people with a poem in my hand and i’ll be totally charming and articulate and interactive. no problem. put me in a room with 3 or 4 strangers and watch me shut down, quiet, silent, introverted and unsmiling. it’s crazy.

i’ve come to lean on my lover too much. i know this. i think she knows this, too. i was proud of myself, actually—i went down to southern california with some people andre and i know through wrestling, and i really, really tried to be gregarious and friendly. i started conversations with people and everything. one night there was a barbeque with about a hundred random strangers. and i was social and charming and dynamic and playful and brash and (at some point or another) a little tipsy, which made all of the other states of being more so. and that was great.

but these still feel like incidents in isolation. not a way of life. the way it used to be. i liked being social and gregarious and easy with people. how does one learn how to be a friend, again? i don’t even know what my needs are anymore with respect to friendship. i’m sure that’s part of it. i think i have less in the way of friendship needs than i ever have and was never able to make a peaceful transition between being high friend-dependent and being low friend-dependent. and while i have to respect my changing needs, i know that i don’t want to destroy every meaningful friend-like relationship in my life and i don’t want to be completely unable to interact with other people.

okay. in summary. i’m a terrible friend. i need to learn not to lean on / depend on my partner (or other people) to do the bulk of social interaction for me, allowing my already atrophying social skills to further deteriorate, and i need to figure out how to respect my changing needs with respect to social contact. and wine helps. wine definitely helps.