the following is not part of the story that can be found on the preceding five pages. i do intend to continue writing the story and to continue posting installments as i write them, but i've been doing other things in the past week and a half and i've realized that i haven't written about them, because i've kind of thought that i couldn't post anything but installments to the story. i've decided that it's my diary and i can post anything i want.

so, the following is actually a letter i wrote to a friend of mine (expanded a little bit for publication), which pretty much talks about where i've been, where i am, and what i'm doing and thinking about today.

hey, angelface . . . how've you been? are you still at your parents' house? it's been forever. i've been watching back episodes of buffy the vampire slayer for the past week and a half. that, in between helping andre manage helen's business for her while she's out of town. it was fun for a while. the buffy, i mean. andre and i just kind of dove into it. we bought season two and went through it in less than a week--22 episodes! and then a day or two ago i picked up season three when we were on the last disk of season two and we've been racing through that one, too. but television is so deadening for me, even if it's really smart television. i just can't watch hours of tv everyday and be okay. i mean, it just sucks me out of my body. replaces all of my impulses with inertia. and then (and of course), i don't feel particularly sexual coming out of a tv daze . . . ick . . . i'm saying ick and i *love* this show. i'm just watching too much of it, too fast. it's like stuffing yourself with candy, i think. i'm making myself sick. i may continue watching it at this intense rate, though for a few more days, because then we will have reached the end of season three and andre will be back in school and things might head more in the direction of normal (and thank god, they haven't released season 4 yet).

in other news, i have made some really crucial realizations:

#1. i'm pretty sure that if i don't have some serious (although it can be playful) physical activity just about every single day, i'll (continue to) be intensely depressed. i really think that this might be the answer to breaking through the bulk of this wretched depression i’ve been experiencing. i mean, when i was in college, i had at least an hour and a half (sometimes three or five) hours of intense physical movement five days a week. it was the only thing that got me to campus, got me out of bed in the morning. and it makes me feel so good for the whole day when i get some good exercise. i’m not so overly-consumed with the ultimately-futile self-exploration of questions like: have i wasted all of my so-called “potential”? what am i doing with my life? why am i not as smart as i used to be? why haven’t i changed the world by now?

i’m much more present when i get good exercise. much more calm. less anxious. less worrisome. more confident. more at ease. at peace.

i find myself joyful again.

#2. yoga. oh my god. i didn't even know.

there's this *amazing* yoga studio really near by. right down on lakeshore. monkey yoga shala. having recently discovered my intense need for physical activity, the first thing I did was go to this ashtanga-vinyasa yoga class there friday night. (andre came, too! i think she’s as excited about starting a regular yoga practice as i am.) it was only my second yoga class ever in life and during it, i felt just full of the joy of the world and i had this warm peaceful glowy energy buzzing in me and around me for the whole rest of the night. i left clutching the yellow schedule like a desperate man with the answer in her hand, not wanting to let it go, lest the answer might be lost forever. i couldn’t wait to go to another yoga class. so, this morning andre and i went to one of their “isometric monkey yoga” ashtanga classes. it was not quite the same kind of spiritual experience the other class had been, but it was wild and fun and pushed my body in ways that my body loves to be pushed. i’m still sampling all of the different teachers, trying to see which one(s) i like best. when i figure that bit out, i’ll buy a card for a dozen classes (the cards are instructor-specific), and work out a routine.

i wish i could afford to go everyday. but it’s okay. because i also have kajukenbo classes two or three times a week and andre (for christmas) gave me two months worth of brazilian jiu-jitsu classes (which are also wicked-intensive, but taking yoga, for some reason, makes me feel like i can do anything), so i won’t be wanting for physical activity. i really truly can take some intense sort of physical movement class every day. which will improve my general disposition mightily, i think.

#3. so i think i’m beginning to narrow down some of the things i need in my daily or weekly (as the case may be) life in order to be happy:

* i need strenuous physical activity (stretching counts) pretty much every day

* i need to write (even if it’s just journal-writing) pretty much every day

* i need independent time for at least an hour or two every day or else for at least one full day out of every week

* i need touch regularly; full-body, affectionate touch—i don’t have so much of a time frame on this one, because i can go without it for stretches of time, but after a while, without it, i grow sullen. it’s better if i experience it more regularly, like several times a week.

* i need to share some kind of communication with some of the people i love at least weekly

* i need to love (and to be loved). a lot.

i’m beginning to get things figured out, and identifying those needs is central. they feel right to me.

on a different note entirely, i found out today that someone i love, someone who loved me (though we didn’t know each other long or well, our connection was immediate, deep, and lovely) died. she died. isn’t alive in the world anymore, sharing with everyone she meets that warm joyous energy that characterizes her. the services were today, but i found out too late to attend. her name is ntombe. she was radiant and full of super warm, benevolent, big mama energy. i don’t know how she died. i don’t understand. i’m sad about it. i am not fond of death.

i just think about how i wasn’t expecting her to die at all. she wasn’t even on my radar. the people i was so worried about are still alive and sexing. death always knows how to kick my ass.

anyway, that’s my story. i’m open ears to hear yours. and where are you? =)

i love you tremendously.

take care of yourself, wherever you are.

so much love,

ariana