Furthermore, the notes are not automated - they are all written personally by me. So, you get an extra note/memo/letter (depending on my mood), in which I might just wax philosophic on any number of topics that seem relevant, preferably in a few sentences or less. Or I might talk about how it feels that you all are in this journey with me or I might talk about updates to the site. But whether I say very much or very little on any given day, it feels more personal. Like I'm talking directly to you. I feel more connected to the folks on the notifylist. There, I've said it.
12.23.03 - 2:20 a.m. peace be with you, she said
and also with you
i am still sorting through the shock of our recent parting. even in the nightmare moment i could feel you hurting could understand the twist of ache and gasp that sprung out of your belly and into my lap. the words stung and i succumbed to what venom got through my shallow defenses. so empty, the bed on which i sat softly crying. so hollow the house, echoing with rip and tear and slam and click. and i was not prepared to leave like my picture twisting to ash in candle fire. ash and noxious smoke. oh i was alone. i held tight to shreds of truth in my fists and i fled. even pennsylvania seemed better than that house with all of its rebuke. with no room for me. perhaps we both know more than necessary about invisibility. i know that i was and am your friend. though you might not be mine. i know i gave more than i had, leeched minerals out of my bones to try to nourish us. and the weakened ariana, brittle, insubstantial was my fault. i know i stopped blaming our relationship for the sins of my insufficient self a long time ago. that i loved you too much to leave you. though i know i maybe should have. i still wanted to believe. you were never in the relationship alone, though i know that it felt lonely. and i'm sorry, truly sorry about that. i know how fast an open door can close. i’ve got the broken nose to prove it. i know i’m grateful for the handful of words spanning the gap between the two of us – ‘peace be with you’ – a message like a benediction, sweet rain, a salve on an open sore. thank you. i wish you warmth and love and tenderness and peace look forward to the day when we will laugh about every word turned wound, release ourselves from expectation and remorse, lift shirts and compare scars like tattoos ticklish with healing, rest heads against shoulders--sweet friends, loves, or family-- hold hands, and take the long way home.
